What to do when you feel like you can't do anything.

I feel like I'm going in 50 directions at once, yet not moving anywhere at the same time. I have, unfortunately done it again. I've spread myself way to thin, obsessed over one too many things at once and have sunk to the bottom (read: meltdown). So I rolled up all my energy and cut myself off from everything except what was absolutely necessary. Even now it is a daily struggle to reach out to my husband and child. My relationship with both is really suffering. I don't know if Alex can take much more of my moodiness and attitude. I told him yesterday that I want to get help. He is pretty ambivilant about it. I think I have worked his last nerve. He has certainly worked mine.

Yesterday was his birthday. I didn't buy him a card and he didn't want a present. I really really really tried to be upbeat and nonaggressive and I think I accomplished it. It kind of emotionally wound me up pretty tight, though. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to make him happy and I feel like it is happening at my expense. I had a hard time getting to sleep. I don't think he understands just how messed up I feel right now. I have tried telling him, but it always comes out all wrong and we end up fighting. I don't know if he feels like he is failing because I'm not happy or if he just thinks I'm being bitchy and not wanting to control myself. He won't tell me.

I'm just so sick of trying to be this Stepford wife/mother. I don't have any time to be ME anymore. I would love to dance again, but Alex told me once he felt like he was giving up everything to please me. It sounds kind of unfair, I had no idea I was so demanding. I feel like I have changed everything in my life to conform to our needs. At least it feels that way. I don't work out in the mornings so Alex can. Everyday. I take the baby to daycare so he can go into work early. I pick the baby up so he can stay at work late and fix everyone's problems there. He is such an accomplished problemsolver at work. I have no idea why he can't be even a simple problem solver at home. He has coordinated who knows how many people/days/weeks of training for this upcoming induction season. I've been waiting three years for him to cut the countertop for the kitchen island. This past weekend he spent 6 hours painting a flag onto cinderblocks for the up and coming inductee's. My washing machine has been flooding the garage for a month now and the yard hasn't been mowed in two weeks. The drain needs to be snaked and the lawnmower needs gas. He bought the snake and set it on his workbench. The empty gas can is somewhere. I know these are all things I can do. The question is Why should I have to do them? And 90% of the childcare duties? And 90% of the housework? And 100% of the meal planning? And 100% of the grocery shopping? Did I mention I also work full time? To be fair, Alex cooks dinner every other night and on the nights when I cook, he gives Danica a bath and puts her to bed. He also does some of the laundry and manages the finances, sort of. I say sort of because we are in a state of looming financial disaster right now, so not much management is taking place.

I really feel as if our life and home play a poor second fiddle to his workplace and people. I understand he needs a good fitrep to make senior, but it is coming at the expense of his family.

Obviously I am harboring some resentment against my husband right now. We no longer communicate with any sort of effectiveness or we would have talked about all of this. I need to get over this fear of being left alone and just tell him I am tired of being his momma. I want a husband who is a partner and friend not a responsibility or duty. I would love to go to counseling, but I don't think he will agree. I'm going to suggest it anyway. At least then I'll feel like I am trying. Right now I just feel like I am drowning.

Example: We will finally have some positive cashflow after the first of next month. He wants to pay his chief's club dues. I want to pay off a credit card. Hmmmmm. Who is looking after the best interests of whom? Or would it be who?

Would he miss me if I left? I know he would miss the "things" like having his own house and his things in his house. He would definitely miss playing with Danica and watching her grow. I don't know so much if he would miss ME or just the things I do for him ie laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I say this because we don't have a lot in common anymore. he focuses all his time an effort into his work and personal leisure activities (meaning they usually don't involve either me or our daughter), and I focus all of my energy on trying to have a clean, organized home (I'm failing at this one!) , a healthy family, and a happy child (I'm terrified I'm failing this one too).

I've been reading more and more lately. It is my escape from reality, from feeling so hopelessly stuck in my life. I know I know I have the power to change blah blah blah. But first I have to identify a starting point. I think I have to stop letting my house and family consume me. I don't feel gym time is ME time because I feel guilty for leaving Danica in daycare while I am off at the gym. I think I need one night a week away from all of it. This also I am going to suggest to Alex. I don't think he is going to understand.

I don't think there is a way to fix what is broken anymore. It can be sloppily mended, but I don't know if we will ever have a healthy relationship again. I won't leave him, because I love him. And he said he won't leave me because he doesn't want to lose his daughter. I really wish he could have said he won't leave me because he loves me, too. I know he doesn't want to lose his daughter. What I don't know is does he not want to lose me too? Am I indistinguishable from his home? Have I been lost amongst the clutter that is off-duty stuff?

Am I made up of nothing but chores and child? Do I wear the hat of wife and mother or do they wear me?

What to do...what to do...