Psst

gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee

And I'm ovulating.

Aren't you glad you asked?

My finger hurts!!!

So I did this ridiculous thing last night. I tried to reason with a two year old. It went like this:

Me: "Danica, time for bath! Let's put our toys away."

Danica: "nonononono! Not nice!"

Me: "Honey, you have to go nite nite. Now let's pick up and go take a bath. Don't you want to play in the bubbles?"

Danica, upon seeing Elmo: "ELMO!!!!! Mommy, Elmo baaath."

(keep in mind this is a 40 dollar, computerized Elmo that knows my child's name and schedule, family members, favorite color, animal and birthday. I know...scary)

Me: "No ma'am. Elmo cannot go in the bath."

Danica : "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! DADDY!!!!!!!!"

So I just decide it's easier to pick her up and let her scream about it on our way to the bathroom.

bad idea

I pick her up sans Elmo. She has one of those boneless squirmy thrashing fits that toddlers are so great at. My pinky nail gets caught on her cute baby jeans. Then it tears off... halfway down the nailbed.

Me: "Sweet Mother of Pearl!!!!! Holy Jesus!!!! God Bless America!!!! ALEX!!!!!!!"

(We are trying not to curse in front of the great repeating toddler :))

Three wads of bloodstained tissue later and I'm sitting on the toilet with some Betadine and a pair of nail clippers trying not to scream and get rid of the mother of all hangnails. Because of course it couldn't have split all the way across.

So, I sit here, bandaid on pinky and muse over the wisdom of having nails with a toddler. I have four pitifully broken stumps on my right hand and one perfect thumbnail. My left hand, manicurist perfection.

In other news, Alex is in Seattle this week and I've got a brand new weight bench at home. I've used it a lot in the past week. Almost everyday. Mostly because I came perilously close to putting all the weight back on that I spent six months losing. I didn't, thank goodness, but it was awfully close. Since I am going home for Christmas this year, I absolutely have to get it back off. It never fails that I will run into someone I used to date/knew from school who will comment on the 60+ pounds I've gained since I left that hole.

And with that note, I'm off to eat my uber-healthy ham-broccoli-pasta salad that Alex made for dinner last night.

*pout* I miss him :(

Embracing my F-ing Fabulousness

I read this great post today on a makeup artist board where I often lurk. It was from a model who was so emotionally exhausted from reassuring the people around her that they were indeed as beautiful/successful/wanted as she. She really didn't understand why they focused so much on their negative attributes, yet when she stated she loved herself and thought she was hot, they responded that she was a stuck up narcissist. Huh?? A girl can't love herself apparently.

Then she challenged everyone to just embrace their F-ing fabulousness and get over moaning about themselves. It whacked me over the head like a brick. I have decided to embrace said fabulousness and stop trying so damn hard! I'm not stuck up, and could quite possibly be narcissistic, so I think I make a good candidate for the program, lol.

In other news, I tried to kill Alex last night. Not on purpose mind you. I bought some lovely fresh stuffed Salmon at the commissary and we had it for dinner. Something in it (who knows!!??) made him break out in hives and made his throat kind of tight. Great. And me fresh out of my handy Benadryl strippy thingies. But, he was alive and kicking at 0330 this morning, so I think he recovered well.

P.S. Bonus blog for Tuesday :)

Just in case you were wondering:

I heart Rockstars.

The energy drinks, not the people, lol :)

They make me want to go home and vacuum. And mop. And maybe take down all 24 sets of curtains in the game room, string them up on a laundry line (note: stop on my way home and buy laundry line) and beat the dust out of them.

HOWEVER, I'll probably run out of steam halfway through vacuuming :) Good thing I have more Rockstars out in the Beer Fridge :)

I should write a book: How to have an obsessively clean house in Fits and Spurts.

I'm having a Manic....Tuesday?

Weeeellllll, I don't like the beginning of the week. It makes me think too much of all the fun I could be having if it were still the weekend. But aside from that, I'm having a great day :) I have new lip gloss. It is verra verra guud. It is called Lip Injection and it burns, baby, burns!!! And makes my lips swell up like balloons :) It damn well better for 18 bucks a tiny little tube!
I want one in every color :)

I wish I could say I did something interesting this weekend, but all I really did was buy new work clothes. In a much smaller size than the ones I already have, mind you. And I read a lot. Something like 4 books. Pretty normal for me. Danica was doing this whole Leech-to-Mommy thing that was driving me n-u-t-z! She wouldn't even go to sleep Sunday unless I was next to her. Not good when we are trying to teach her to fall asleep by herself. Alex did his typical Alex routine for Saturday and Sunday: work at least a half a day and then watch TV until his eyeballs popped out. However, Monday some alien came and stole my husband and replaced him with a guy that washed, dried, folded, and PUT AWAY ALL my laundry. I've kept him and will now use him mercilessly to perform chores.

New Obsession: finding a new obsession

Okay, now I know I'm feeling better. Because I'm getting bored. So I need something to do. This time I am going to do something constructive and finish my nursing degree. 5 whole classes and I am done!! Then I am going to quit my crappy job and do something I really enjoy.

Things at home are getting better. I have good days and bad days. But lately I've been having more good days than bad. Progress is slow and frustrating sometimes. I'm still moody but not as aggressive.

So some of my new obsessions lately: makeup artists (I have no clue why), body cleansing (liver and stuff), and school. The makeup artist thing has been really interesting. I like being a girly girl and I've picked up some nifty tricks being a lurker on the artist forums. Such as what drugstore products professionals use to get those fantastic looks. Apparently any foundation with SPF in it is a bad choice for pictures! Now I know why I always look so ghostlike in photos, lol.

Body cleansing is because I think part of my emotional issues lately have been hormonal. I think I have been taking too much Flax oil, which is an estrogen suppressor by the way. My hair has started falling out badly (!!!!!) and, of course, the PMS that lasts forever. So I want to do a cleanse to straighten out my hormones and metabolism. BEFORE you do any research into it, be warned: there are some straight up disgusting pictures out there! Now I feel all nasty inside and can't wait to get started cleansing up/out.

School is pretty self-explanitory. I hate my current job (high school much??!!) and really want to finish my degree. I want to be an ER nurse when I grow up. Financially it is feasable. RN's make almost the same as I make now with only three shifts per week instead of 5 days. Hmmmm, more family time, less work, more enjoyable working conditions: sounds like a winner, lol :)

So, I am finding out that I don't have a "sacrifice for the sake of" mentality. I am a selfish person. I don't like giving up stuff I want to make other people happy. I can't help it, that's just me. It is also why I have been so jacked up lately. I've been sacrificing everything for my home and family and it completely goes against my nature. It's like I have had this backlog of kharma from suppressing my natural tendencies. Now that I am behaving like ME again (read: selfish self-centered primadonna lol) things are getting better if that makes any sense.

Don't get me wrong, I loooovvvve my husband and daughter. I would do anything for either of them. If necessary. However, I don't have to do EVERYTHING for them and nothing for me. Apparently it makes me a crazy beeeoootch.

And makes me do stupid stuff like go buy 5 shades of lipliner because the makeup artist webforum said no one's kit is complete without all of them.

I don't even wear lipliner!!!!!

What to do when you feel like you can't do anything.

I feel like I'm going in 50 directions at once, yet not moving anywhere at the same time. I have, unfortunately done it again. I've spread myself way to thin, obsessed over one too many things at once and have sunk to the bottom (read: meltdown). So I rolled up all my energy and cut myself off from everything except what was absolutely necessary. Even now it is a daily struggle to reach out to my husband and child. My relationship with both is really suffering. I don't know if Alex can take much more of my moodiness and attitude. I told him yesterday that I want to get help. He is pretty ambivilant about it. I think I have worked his last nerve. He has certainly worked mine.

Yesterday was his birthday. I didn't buy him a card and he didn't want a present. I really really really tried to be upbeat and nonaggressive and I think I accomplished it. It kind of emotionally wound me up pretty tight, though. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to make him happy and I feel like it is happening at my expense. I had a hard time getting to sleep. I don't think he understands just how messed up I feel right now. I have tried telling him, but it always comes out all wrong and we end up fighting. I don't know if he feels like he is failing because I'm not happy or if he just thinks I'm being bitchy and not wanting to control myself. He won't tell me.

I'm just so sick of trying to be this Stepford wife/mother. I don't have any time to be ME anymore. I would love to dance again, but Alex told me once he felt like he was giving up everything to please me. It sounds kind of unfair, I had no idea I was so demanding. I feel like I have changed everything in my life to conform to our needs. At least it feels that way. I don't work out in the mornings so Alex can. Everyday. I take the baby to daycare so he can go into work early. I pick the baby up so he can stay at work late and fix everyone's problems there. He is such an accomplished problemsolver at work. I have no idea why he can't be even a simple problem solver at home. He has coordinated who knows how many people/days/weeks of training for this upcoming induction season. I've been waiting three years for him to cut the countertop for the kitchen island. This past weekend he spent 6 hours painting a flag onto cinderblocks for the up and coming inductee's. My washing machine has been flooding the garage for a month now and the yard hasn't been mowed in two weeks. The drain needs to be snaked and the lawnmower needs gas. He bought the snake and set it on his workbench. The empty gas can is somewhere. I know these are all things I can do. The question is Why should I have to do them? And 90% of the childcare duties? And 90% of the housework? And 100% of the meal planning? And 100% of the grocery shopping? Did I mention I also work full time? To be fair, Alex cooks dinner every other night and on the nights when I cook, he gives Danica a bath and puts her to bed. He also does some of the laundry and manages the finances, sort of. I say sort of because we are in a state of looming financial disaster right now, so not much management is taking place.

I really feel as if our life and home play a poor second fiddle to his workplace and people. I understand he needs a good fitrep to make senior, but it is coming at the expense of his family.

Obviously I am harboring some resentment against my husband right now. We no longer communicate with any sort of effectiveness or we would have talked about all of this. I need to get over this fear of being left alone and just tell him I am tired of being his momma. I want a husband who is a partner and friend not a responsibility or duty. I would love to go to counseling, but I don't think he will agree. I'm going to suggest it anyway. At least then I'll feel like I am trying. Right now I just feel like I am drowning.

Example: We will finally have some positive cashflow after the first of next month. He wants to pay his chief's club dues. I want to pay off a credit card. Hmmmmm. Who is looking after the best interests of whom? Or would it be who?

Would he miss me if I left? I know he would miss the "things" like having his own house and his things in his house. He would definitely miss playing with Danica and watching her grow. I don't know so much if he would miss ME or just the things I do for him ie laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I say this because we don't have a lot in common anymore. he focuses all his time an effort into his work and personal leisure activities (meaning they usually don't involve either me or our daughter), and I focus all of my energy on trying to have a clean, organized home (I'm failing at this one!) , a healthy family, and a happy child (I'm terrified I'm failing this one too).

I've been reading more and more lately. It is my escape from reality, from feeling so hopelessly stuck in my life. I know I know I have the power to change blah blah blah. But first I have to identify a starting point. I think I have to stop letting my house and family consume me. I don't feel gym time is ME time because I feel guilty for leaving Danica in daycare while I am off at the gym. I think I need one night a week away from all of it. This also I am going to suggest to Alex. I don't think he is going to understand.

I don't think there is a way to fix what is broken anymore. It can be sloppily mended, but I don't know if we will ever have a healthy relationship again. I won't leave him, because I love him. And he said he won't leave me because he doesn't want to lose his daughter. I really wish he could have said he won't leave me because he loves me, too. I know he doesn't want to lose his daughter. What I don't know is does he not want to lose me too? Am I indistinguishable from his home? Have I been lost amongst the clutter that is off-duty stuff?

Am I made up of nothing but chores and child? Do I wear the hat of wife and mother or do they wear me?

What to do...what to do...

Headaches and Diet Coke

I hate diet coke. I'm only drinking it because I think my head will explode if I don't get some sort of caffeine in me. I'm feeling cheap today, so 50 cents is all I am willing to donate towards my addiction. Hence the diet coke. Blech.

I'm still toying around with the whole competition thing. I'm trying to see if I can get somewhat close to competition shape by December. If, by chance the beginning of October comes and I happen to be smokin hot (in my dreams!!) then I may register for the comp on December 1st. It is a small show, but an NPC qualifier. I think I have some decent muscle under all this mooshiness.

Which reminds me I am supposed to be on bodybuilding.com trying to find a new lower back exercise. I'll just open another window and find out.

So I tried waxing my legs this past weekend. It worked pretty well! I only did my calves because I ran out of sheets of paper or whatever they are. This weekend I am going to finish and then revel in my hairlessness for 6 to 8 weeks :) If I can get Alex to help, then I shouldn't have a problem getting the backs of my legs. I'm working my way up to bikini waxing.

Danica is getting to be such a little person! I love her to death! But I am taking her binky away starting next week. She only gets it now for naps and bedtime. On Monday, the daycare will be under orders to withold it during naptime as well. I am tired of getting up in the middle of the night to put it back in her mouth! She is old enough to sleep without it now. Next, after we have mastered the binky-loss is pottytraining. THen college.

foodfoodfoodfood

I'm hungry. I have PMS and there just isn't enough Chinese food in the world to satisfy my craving for salt and lo mein. And teriyaki. And maybe sushi. California rolls with no cucumber and spicy sauce. I ate two rolls like that on saturday. Now that I have a rice steamer and sushi making set, I may be stuffing myself with California rolls from now until at least Thursday next week.

Told you I was hungry. Well at least I didn't oversleep today. I turned the alarm clock off in my sleep yesterday and acidentally got an extra hour of sleep :) Then last night I got a killer migraine. I don't think I ate enough carbs and I have cut the thermogenics out of my diet.
Alex put me in bed at about 5:30 last night to rest up and relax. I seriously thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head, the pressure was so bad! But all better today! I upped my carb count and am going to have at least one diet soda today. Promise.

I've been kind of blah about the whole workout thing lately. My diet has been great. Absolutely clean for a week, but I just don't feel like heading to the gym! I'm trying to find stuff that makes me excited to work out. Like new lifting programs or new information. Lisa bought the Afterburn book and let me read it, so I've been trying that for the past week. I think it is working out okay. It's my week before TOM and I'm at 160.5. I normally gain three to five pounds this week, so maybe that means I'm finally about to break through this plateau! I've been gaining and losing the same two and a half pounds for the past three weeks. If I am ever going to get back to the 140's I need to do something NOW!!!!

Here is my diet for the day:

M1: 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1 pkg Splenda and some cinnamon
1 5- inch homemade blueberry waffle
M2: 1 5- inch homemade plain waffle
1 Tbsp reduced fat peanut butter
4 oz unsweetened applesauce
M3: 1 cup homemade beefy mushroom stew ( no potatoes)
1 slice 7 grain bread
M4: 4 oz canned chicken breast orange teriyaki style
1/2 cup brown rice
M5: 1 cup baked ziti
3 oz chicken
1 cup spinach greens
M6: 1 scoop Lean dessert protein Mocachino pudding

Daily totals: 1483 calories 35 g Fat 168g Carbs 118 g Protein

Not too bad! I realized this morning that I haven't cheated this week at all. considering Saturday we are having a fight party and cooking brats and cheese dip, that is a good thing. I can't wait for Saturday. FOOD!!!!!!!

Ohhhh!! And my neighbor is having a Pampered Chef party. Yay!!! Kitchen gadgets!!!

I'm alllll by myyyyysssseeeeyyyyeeelllffffffff...

Everyone has left me here all alone :( And I am soo going to sneak out of work early. I opened my big fat mouth about one of my belly dancing costumes and now I have to go home and put it on. Which is going to require mucho make'em up, fake eyelashes, really freaky fake hair(!!!) and jewel stickers. It will, at least, be fun :)

I've gotten strict with my diet again. Good for me.

Breakfast: 1/2 c CC and 4oz low carb yogurt
Meal 2: bacon, egg and cheese hashbrown quiche (?)
Pre lunch snack: (since I only had a thimble size piece of quiche and was starving!) 1/2 bag popcorn and 2 cookies (ugghhh! Real strict, huh?)
Lunch: 1/2 c brown rice 3 oz chicken breast with spicy orange teriyaki glaze
afternoon snack: possibly more protein chocolate oatmeal cookies. I'm addicted.
Dinner: some sort of cube steak recipe. I can't really remember. It will, however, be portion-appropriate.

For some reason, it seems very much so more strict when I'm actually eating it than when I type it. Hmmmmmm. Well except for the popcorn and cookie part.

It is so quiet in the office. I'm thinking of stealing one of my coworker's computer speakers since mine are busted. Shhhhhh. Don't tell. At least then I can listen to my punked out ska music (Me First and the Gimmee Gimmee's!) while hindering their ability to listen to country, slow jams, 80's hair band, or techno, depending on whose speakers I steal.

Monday Monday

Here I sit, at my desk, recovering from the heartstopping terror of finding (dum dum DUM) a spider staring at me whilst I ate my breakfast. Tiny little creepy crawlies terrify me. Mostly because there was this one incident involving a spider and my pants. I would tell you all about it, but I have mentally blocked those moments in order to stave off insanity.

In the meantime, I realized last night that I have been playing around on my diet. Meaning I pretend I'm eating clean when I really know Pesto penne with mozzerella cheese is in no way a balanced protein/carb meal. Even with extra mozz. So today, back to the whole brown rice chicken grind! I look forward to seeing the 140's for my effort. Or else...

I'm still trying to get the hang of this bloggy thing. Hopefully it will become easier as my life rolls on :)

See, pictures. Now I have an outlet for my quirky photography :)

157.5 lbs Pre-baby

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157.5 lbs Post-baby

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Okay, so I'm really three weeks pregnant in the Pre-baby picture, but I didn't know it yet. I just thought the comparison was pretty funny. Most people say having a baby ruins your body. I think I look better AFTER having Danica. My body composition is better. Not to mention the really specatacular fake tan I achieved.

Hmmmm. My first bloggy posty thingy

I have no idea why I have set this up. I have a myspace page that I never post on, so why I think this is a good idea, escapes me.

Mostly so I can do some stream-of-consciousness stuff that might be a little too strange for my other forums, :D

And post pictures.